2022-02-05 / 11:55 a.m.

The worry has a hold on me again. A neighbour's dog barked incessantly for days. I asked the neighbour to do something about the barking. They did. It rarely happens anymore. But I wait for it constantly. My body is holding itself so tight. I'm doing exercises to stimulate my vagal nerve. I'm deep breathing. I'm spiralling. What if I never feel as though I have a safe space again? Why am I like this? What if I have to stay here and this worry kills me? What if I wake up on the ceiling after climbing the walls in my sleep? What if my neck instability worsens? What if I can't afford the help? What if I can, and the help makes it worse? What if I can't get help because of my arachnoiditis? What if my arachnoiditis gets worse by itself? What about my EDS? What if I can't get the treatment I need? What if the year long tinnitus is caused by a tumour? What if I can't stop gaining weight? What if I'm autistic and can't get the diagnosis? What if my parents die and I have nowhere to live, not even a home I no longer feel safe in? What if I lose everybody that I love because I'm sick and they're sick of hearing about it? What if nobody answers when I call? What if my boyfriend decides he hates me because I'm worrying so much? What if my heart never feels full of anything except for the worry again? What if I forget to notice the sunsets, the dogs, the cats, the love, the heart of it all? What if I forget who I am? What if it all goes wrong?

(What if it all goes right?)