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2010-01-04 / 9:55 p.m.

I feel funny in this little family of mine, like I don't fit too well, and it's been somewhat a recurring theme over the years.
My boyfriend drove my mother and my father and me home from another town today after both him and I had been shopping and my dad's car had broken down and they got to talking about how money's supposed to fix everything - at least in their minds - and they asked me what I'd buy if I won lots of it, and I had to think for a while to come up with something worth anything. When I told them that I wanted a trampoline, they laughed real hard and I felt real bad, so I didn't bother to tell them that I'd like to give it all to an old lady that lives nearby and looks after lots of stray and abandoned and sick dogs and doesn't get anything for it and sometimes doesn't eat for days on end because she'd prefer to feed her beloved little creatures.
In the end, I took to telling them that they probably wouldn't see me for a while, and when they asked why, it perplexed me as to why they couldn't just figure that a girl's got to travel if it means being able to just go about finding and accepting something new.
See, even the boy I've chosen to love doesn't get me and doesn't even try to anymore.
We came home and we watched a DVD - The Hangover - and it wasn't even funny like everybody said it was supposed to be, but I never much like those movies anyway, but it reminded me about how I've joked about going to Las Vegas next summer for my birthday, and people think it sounds like a blast, but really I think I just want to drive on those straight roads at night and let myself fall into some kind of deep trance while I smoke and try to follow some kind of horizon. All I've ever seen really are green fields and nothing's really ever flat, it's all hills and mountains here and I'd like a change. But alas, my friends are the type to be quite content with traveling halfway around the world to just sit in another pub, and I'm too scared to go alone.
My mother made it clear yet again that she's a very difficult person to live with, and I tried to ignore it, but eventually I resigned myself to my room because it really does just make me cry however hard I try to ignore it or fight it and I hate that I feel so upset at my own flesh and blood, at my own family, but I don't know what else to say or how to fix it because she doesn't want to listen and I find myself less able to talk as the years go by.
My family are skeptical about how I'm going to build a little camera out of paper and how it's going to work because they don't believe in anything but using things that we buy from the shelves, but I've already done it before, even though they don't remember and the results were beautiful and offkey and I just wish that just this once, they wouldn't laugh or joke about my ideas and my willingness to try something new because fuck, this way of life gets real tiresome guys. Real fast.

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