I am plagued by my own internal inconsistencies and I don't know the things that I want and I want the things that nobody knows, not even me. My body disgusts me. I cannot begin to portray the extent of said disgust, but understand that I have reason and I know that it is not my fault on many parts. But that said, on many accounts, it is more than my own fault. It is what has taken me throughout the years and it is what will take me through the rest, and yet, it cannot and will not coincide with how I want to feel. It is not a matter of being or feeling overweight, although that is always there. I have accepted that and tried to change it, and I know that it sounds like the fools way out to say that I am medically prone to this weight, but it is true and it is up to you whether or not you believe me. I refuse to explain myself anymore. I exercise and I eat right. I've learned that much.
I suffer from depression. I forget about it for the most part because it is not a boiling pot anymore, but it is there and it is strong and weak at the same time. It is always too much. I went to my best friend's house this evening because I was lonely but once I got there I felt like I should leave because I wanted to be alone. Once I found myself at home, I couldn't believe how overcome with the feeling of grief and the feeling of being alone I became. I am expected to be in three different places tomorrow evening when the clock strikes twelve and I have somehow committed myself to all parts because I want to be there for everybody when I am needed and I give of myself freely and genuinely want to enjoy the beginning of a new decade in every which way, but I am not able to split into two beings, let alone three, so I am stuck.
Things are never just right. I am alone or I am surrounded. It is never right.
I've been finding myself thinking sad thoughts, but they no longer break my heart. When I was sixteen, I knew deep in my soul that I would one day end my own life because I will never find a way for myself to fit into this world, and I lied to myself for a long time afterwards to tell myself that that was not true, but I still believe it wholly and completely. It will not be soon and I have no plans, but I know it in my soul and I feel like I have no other choice. If I ever believed in destiny, it would be now. It will hurt a lot of people and it will have been a mistake because all it takes is the one time. And things have just been so inconsistent, don't you know?