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2009-09-16 / 1:40 a.m.

I don't understand anymore what makes wasted time. Can a whole life be wasted? Can we physically, wholly, and completely possibly ruin ourselves by never doing enough, never owning enough, never being enough?
If we're getting to segregating the different sectors, all I know is that I'll never have been enough.
See, what I mean is this: I've spent my life waiting. It's what I do best. I spend time wishing for things to be better, when really, things haven't been so bad at all.
I sit and I wait for school to start, for school to end. I wait for enemies to leave and will them to come back as friends. Let friends leave and in that way that nostalgia changes a person, I wish they'd return again and be what they were when they were twelve and not twenty.
I wait for one relationship to end so another can begin, but life, why can't I have both? Why can't I have the quiet kisses, the deepest love with one innocent soul and have the late night conversations and the understanding with another that's pure?
Nobody wants to admit that they're inhibiting themselves in more ways than any other entity ever could, but I'm bowing down now. This is it, I know it.
I'm scared, you know. I'm scared of waking up one morning and not being able to feel the grass beneath my feet in the garden while the dogs run in circles but never far. I'm scared of paying my own way and having friends through my own self rather than through others. I'm scared of the way it feels to see your favourite black cat squashed to the road behind your house, and the way your mother tries to tell you that your cat hasn't been home, but that she's sure she's eloped with her little kitty boyfriend. And fuck, you're twenty, what is that?
I'm scared of moving to a city that's hours away where I know nobody and nothing and actually have the opportunity to reinvent myself, but I can't. I can't. I can't.
It's all the little things, but I find myself fearful of the ordinary, the mundane. I find myself fearful of moving on and expanding as a person the way that we should as we grow older.
I'm going to be a child forever. Something has to give.

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