There's been a considerable amount of strain on my thoughts lately. I'm not sure if that's to say that my thoughts have been manifesting themselves into physical unease, or if the physical side of things is what's bringing about this mentality. To be honest, I feel unwell and I have no idea what to do or how to fix it. The palpitations in my heart subsided, and were subsequently replaced with an almost constant pain in my chest - there, but not exactly crippling. Pins and needles consume the left side of my body more often than not these days, and I've had a twitch in my left eye for coming on four weeks now. This headache never leaves, and everything seems to throb with my pulse. I feel dirty, like I've broken my body beyond repair. I've thrown up more times than I can count over the past few weeks, just after I eat because my stomach refuses to let it settle. There's so much stress in my life right now, radiating from other people's difficulties and I'm trying to be the best that I can for everybody, but I can't do it for much longer. There's a woman from the state coming to my home on Wednesday to assess me and my situation in relation to not being able to get a job, and thus have no money, and I hate that she thinks already that I don't want to help myself, when more than anything, I want stimulation from somewhere. Anywhere. I'm scared to go back to the doctor's because the last time I went, they concluded that there's nothing wrong with me, even though I lie awake at night terrified that my heart is giving up. I'm not a totally irrational person, and I know that this pain is not imagined, but I just don't know what to do about it. I'm afraid to tell people because maybe it is nothing, and now's not the time to bring anything else onto anybody. I've begun to wonder if maybe my body is just giving up. Can't take this stress or this despair anymore. Fuck, I don't even want to feel bad for myself, I feel weak and incapable and I just want to be okay, to stop needing more and more sleep and to stop crying and stressing and worrying because it's getting nobody anywhere. A friend of mine has mentioned on more than one occasion how I've been giving a lot of myself lately for other people and how it's just been detrimental to my well being, and others haven't even been noticing it. I just want to be able to help in any way that I can, and I don't care about recognition or thanks, I just want the whole world to feel okay again. I've tried so many ways to make my heart beat at a more relaxed rate and for my mind to stop ticking over. I've tried sleeping with lavender hanging near my bed, and numerous different fragrances of incense, and writing and Mayan worry dolls and wishing and wearing amethyst and moonstone and even praying but I just feel so very stuck in this situation. I'm sure things will begin to push over again, and the climax will yield to something much less pressured and much easier, even if we do have to endure some difficulties to get there. I just want to feel safe and well in my skin again.