2017-07-16 / 10:00 p.m.

We split up six days ago. I have wanted this for some time now, amidst bouts of not wanting it and of not knowing what I wanted. I fell in and out of love with him so many times over the space of those three years. I miss him terribly and am in the midst of a world where everything reminds me of him and of us but there is no us. I don't know how to live with this pain in my back and my heart and my happiness. For now I teeter around my life on tiptoe by day and at night, I stumble back into that deep black hole of missing him. I should not say it but I will - I do not want to live anymore. I have not and I can not find my place. My will is caving in upon itself.