2015-08-16 / 7:42 p.m.

The truth is that I've been back to this empty page more times than I could count but no matter what I write, it's not the right thing. It's never what I came here to say. I wish I knew what I needed to say. I'm holding back far too much, far too often, and for what? I'm twenty-six now and I know when I'm doing things wrong but I get lost an awful lot and my intentions come out all wonky.
My brother was married in May. He has a wife and I have a sister in law. I've known her now longer than I didn't know her. I met her in school when I was twelve. He loves her and that's all of everything that matters. We all went to Portugal to a house named Casa Feliz and they were married in a church in Loulé and we ate home cooked food afterwards and I jumped in the pool after spending far too much on my hair and makeup. The kids laughed so much all that time and I can't begin to tell you how much that made my heart swell.
I came home to a house just outside the city, three friends and me and we made a refuge. But long story short, I left three weeks before the lease was out because my tolerance for dickheads has all but disappeared.
I've still been seeing the guy from the island, and sometimes I wonder why while simultaneously trying to trick myself that I'm not falling in love with him. It's been almost ten months now and I have no idea where we stand because while working on being an adult, I can't pull my shit together enough to just ask him what we're doing. I know that I should probably walk away but man, where would that leave me? I'm so goddamn lonely all the time. I know it's no excuse, but I'm really as bad as I've ever been.
I'm saving a lot of money every month, so much so that I'm struggling to live but I need to get out of this job. I've allowed myself 'til next summer and then I'm running away. Maybe New Zealand. It's hard to tell. I'm finding it difficult to get excited about anything or anywhere and visas are so difficult to come by. More difficult than the money. It's giving me something to focus on, which I know is all I need - I'm putting all of my energy into this one task because otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd just try to kill myself again. But as history has already told us, I'm not even able to do that right.
I'm sick of this on the pills/off the pills dance but neither works for me, I need to find an in between. I went to the fair with my cousin and some friends yesterday and I honestly laughed so hard that my ribs are hurting me today. I'm trying to take all of the little moments as they come because they're so important, but honestly I'm still singing from the same hymn sheet. I'm depressed. It has me, and after ten years I think it's safe to say that it might have me for the rest of my life. I just need to be careful, I guess. But sometimes I get melodramatic. Sometimes I'm just too tired for it. Man, I can't even get any time off of work. I need to use up twenty-six days (a day for every year) but that amounts to over a month and a half in holidays and I can't even get two days off together. I'm fighting a losing battle, I'm not cut out for customer service or management or this ridiculous routine. I work too hard to be this poor, really. I'd rather go back to having nothing at all and just playing things by ear.
I've gained a lot of weight again and I feel so terribly ashamed of myself. I got so good, I lost so damn much only a few years ago. I legitimately lost just under eighty pounds and at the time I was worried that I wouldn't know how to stop. Anyway, I'm almost back to where I was when I started and it's giving me a serious complex about my appearance and about being good enough in general - no matter who he is, I feel as though I'm punching way above my weight.
I'm going to go back to my days of sleeping and working hard and I'll be good, good, good. Baby steps, always.