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2012-06-07 / 11:44 p.m.

That feeling that you get when he says he'll never leave and then he does. Only for three months, he says, but still, you know what might happen. You know how it goes.
You clench your teeth, the first time you've really ever noticed yourself doing it, and you clench them hard. Cue this morning in the dentist's chair when he told you that the pain was because of the tightness in your jaw. The way you hold your mouth closed while you sleep and your demons try to get out but you don't and won't let them. Your teeth wear away. All over him.
You go away on an airplane for a few days and you don't know if he'll be gone when you get back. You almost cry, but you feel so lost that you don't even know how. Why waste your time being so in love with something so elusive, little girl? What of all those months you drove around in those heavy showers and you told yourself, "I'm not in love"? Why didn't you even consider the possibility for a little while? What of the guilt, the way you could never button your cardigan up just right? Why does your body tell you it's worth it? And now your head.
He's leaving, sweetheart. Going, going, gone.

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