remove ad
latest older random profile notes diaryland

2011-03-23 / 1:12 p.m.

I'm stressing. I stayed up way too late a few nights ago and I felt a fear grip me. It stayed with me, kept me company through the night, and my body refused to sleep until this dear visitor showed signs of leaving. I am still in a state of unrest but things are improving a little. Every now and again, I am caught by physionomy and I panic, right from my toes to the tip of my head and nothing or nobody can calm me. I am fueled by self doubt and others have been talking about small details from when they were younger. The things that make them who they are, for better or for worse. One girl was bullied and didn't do too well in school, so now she's a perfectionist and struggles when things don't go just right. But she's lovely. And there are others that are dealing with this and that. They call me a number of things when I'm up around these parts. They call me a confused rainbow and they call me Patrick Star and they call me Ralph but they tell me that I'm smart and that I'm beautiful, it's just my silly humour, and it's good for me in a way, but sometimes I still want to run the other way.
A friend of mine has been staying at my place for the past week. She's German, and I hadn't seen her in almost four years. I so looked forward to her being around, and yes, it's been lovely, but I found that it drained so much of my energy to just have to be with and around somebody all the time. I am just not that kind of person. I had to come back up to Dublin for school but she's still at home, and I hate the fact that I can't be there to give her a little kiss goodbye or that I can't take her out for dinner and tell her that she's incredible and that I really, really miss her when she's not around.
I had the whole day off of classes yesterday, but couldn't afford to go back home, so I took it upon myself to drive into the mountains and to sit and to be with the sheep, and to just watch, and to receive credit for being alive even though I'm not feeling much of anything worth feeling. I had a good day though, I guess you could say, even if I am in a loneliness of sorts. But so what? So be it. I need to embrace this being by myself thing because it's who I am. I am not other people, I don't know how to be around other people and there's no real point in trying to stretch myself because all it really does is make me anxious about things that really shouldn't be worrying me.
My number two came over last night and in some state of deja vu, he drove me back up those mountains even though I hadn't mentioned much of anything about my day beforehand, and oddly enough, I felt like smiling. I think it's because I'm over it now, in some ways. I think it's because I know that we can part and that I will survive. I will be curious, but not as lost as I once believed.
Oh life. You are full of little cruelties.

<< >>