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2011-02-14 / 12:10 a.m.

This weekend, I found myself yawning and trying to stop thinking about certain things in case other people could read my mind. I got fucked in the shower on Friday and fell asleep afterwards and had the most incredible and messed up dreams. Just like I've been having every other night, and every other other night. I wander around during the day and little things remind me of the half-happened self-made memories from the night before and I find it unbelievably difficult to tell the difference between dreams and reality these days. It's all an illusion anyway, but what can we trust? Who can we trust? They're all so convincing and they all seem like home.
I hate my brother's girlfriend. I hate her I hate her I hate her. She is self obsessed and awful and it's my fault that she's in his life and now they're about to move in together and the sad thing about this whole situation is that I love him so much more than almost any other thing or being in this world, but my stubbornness and hatred for said girlfriend will make me refuse to go visit and then he'll be gone and me and my brother'll be just like my parents and their siblings. I never used to understand how that could happen, and I swore my life against it, but now I see. I'm not blind anymore.
So home'll be lonelier than ever now, I don't know how I'll fix it. The talk becomes so one sided and awkward. Today my mother asked me if I regretted moving all this way away and I almost said that I did, but I wasn't really thinking, I was just talking for the sake of giving her an answer. I don't know. I'm doing this four years now. It might kill me, but so be it. I miss home and the good parts of home but I'm not sure about summer and moving back there. It's not that I have very much to stay for up here, but I don't have a whole lot to go back to down there.

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