"To answer your question about what life was like for me when everything was 'difficult'... I don't even know how to explain. I don't know any more about different emotions than anybody else. I can't claim that I've felt worse off than other people have and that nobody can relate to how bad things got. It's not any worse a kind of sadness than any other person will ever feel. It was just there. One of the most common things you hear about people being stuck in their own heads like that is that they feel so damn empty, that they feel nothing at all, that it's a numb sort of sadness. It's true, there is accuracy to that, but there was so much more to it too. If anything, I was so full up with everything, and all I could do was let it spill over the top in soft, slow motion. I was so fucking full Mike, everything was just inside me somewhere and there wasn't enough of me to take it all in. I always knew it'd happen though, I swear, I knew from when I was so little that I'd just be sad, the whole world just affected me so damn much, I had all of this everything to give and nowhere to put it. I probably got to being my worst from when I was in my last couple years of school, from when I was fifteen and upwards. Thing was, I was so good at hiding it because I was never really sure if it was really there or not, if I was sad or just uptight. I used to go to school feeling sick, and I'd try to laugh and try to have fun with my friends, but all the time I'd just be so stuck inside my head, and when it came around to our final year, when others were caught up in trying to study and get on with life, I was trying to give myself a good enough reason to get out of bed in the mornings. Do you know that feeling where everything's quiet, and you can hear the soft buzz of silence, only you've got a headache so it feels so loud and deafening? My best description of the sensation inside my head was that, only it felt more like it was behind my eyes and everything looked distorted and changed. I swear Mike, I was sad, but there was so much else going on too, everything looked different, and I don't even know how to explain it at all, I really don't. Things felt more like they were leaning in on me, and I mean that literally, it was like the buildings and the walls all curved in around me. My whole head buzzed all the time, it wasn't just about being sad, it was being something else as well, only I never did figure it all out. I used to just space out a lot, not hear things or see things even though they were there and they were bold and loud, and that in itself was a sort of numbness, only I couldn't stop being so full of sadness at the same time. I don't know, I could go about explaining this for so long, but the only thing that I could do would be for me to take you and put you inside me so you could actually feel it. I got bad, but the thing was, I wasn't doing anything to help myself, even if it was just to talk to somebody, to really let go, and I ended up doing most of the damage to myself through my own fault. I don't even know what started it all, it's just been there, that feeling, somewhere. It was bad then, like something was just taking me, and I let it, I suppose. For the most part, living felt futile. I didn't start out with the intention of dying, but the more I thought about life and living, the harder it was to envision myself living past the end of the worst year, 2007. It wasn't ever about dying, it was about something stopping, just for a little break, for a little while. Do you know that feeling where you're trying to listen to a conversation in the next room, only all you get is muffled voices, and you're frustrated about it? If that frustration led to anger and sadness, that's what I was."