Stepped out in the air just before eleven at night to feel the differences between last year and this. Smells the same. Everything tastes the same. Fresh air, I missed it. Woke up this morning in a pool of sweat wondering when I'd stop dying, soon? I guess my parents care just a little too much because I sweated my way through plenty fevers and they looked on with worried eyes. They never ask, it just bubbles under the surface. Two quid to the first of you to guess where I get it from. I had a dream last night that I was three months pregnant and the funny part was, I didn't really know 'til other people told me. Didn't do a test or anything, just knew it right when they said it and I looked down and my belly was a little more rounded and my dress was a little tight, and I had all these nerves because I had to tell my mother and everybody was all "Oh she's gonna kill you" but I was okay, knew she'd be disappointed, but, these things happen. Weirdest part was, I never once considered a termination which is a little surprise because I always figured that that'd be the route I'd most likely take if things ever got to the point. At least now. But no, I woke up soaking with my normal sized tummy and drank some tea and thought about this year like it's something really new. It's not, just another and another, but still, it's a good time to sit down and to take stock and somehow I feel like when this flu is gone, I'll be able to take on the world or something and I won't be so tired anymore. Truth is though, I've been tired, so so bloody tired for so so bloody long that I can't even really imagine things ever changing from that. Like it's this flu that's brought me down and once it's gone, I'll be back to normal. Back to normal? Were things ever that way? There are people that I want to bring to certain places and I've been thinking about it all day. As much as I hate this place, there are so many spots in so many directions that are so good for hiding and for forgetting to breathe. It's all so beautiful if you know where to look. I want to bring a special somebody to that old Abbey at just about eight in the evening in summer, just before the sun starts to set but long after closing time so it's just us and so he can see what I saw two years ago because I know that he's the only person that can appreciate something like that just like I did, like I still do. It breaks my heart every time, I can't describe it. It's so perfectly lonely and the place feels articulate or something, like it speaks clearly, only nobody knows exactly what it's trying to say, but that doesn't matter because I guarantee you, it's felt to the bones. First time I went there was the last time I thought that Maria was healthy. She was diagnosed the day after and things changed a lot, I mean, life's never been the same and won't be, ever. Things'll get better in the long term I guess, we'll forget the loss just a little bit as time passes and things change but things won't go back to how they were. They felt better than this. I think maybe her illness has a lot to do with how I feel about that place, not that the two are related in any way, it just feels like somebody was trying to give me something really good in return for taking away something even better. I am in stupid, stupid love, and I don't care, this year's gonna be better than last.