I walked to class and got there late and fell asleep in the middle. Dropped a bottle with a message in the ocean with some friends and it didn't even say "come rescue me" because I just don't know how to say it to anybody but myself. On the phone to family and boyfriend and feeling agitated and tired because of so many little things and getting so upset over nothing and feeling like going home for a proper cuddle and talk and cry but the only people (person?) left to do that with are the ones that my brain won't stop bitching about. And besides, I don't know how to let myself be touched anymore. I am so defenseless and defensive and awkward. I sat on the back steps with some far off song tinkling around the back of my mind and I smoked 'til my throat was raw and then some more. The whole packet gone. Smoking away my rent money because I do not want to cry anymore. That indexical sign - the eyes fading to red and red and red and red and never leaving 'til it's too late and somebody's already noticed. Here I am, sitting at my desk with my hands shaking and my eyes 'not' welling up with tears and I don't know what to say or do or who to call. There is a man on his way to fix or replace the flat tyre on my car, I can't escape and I don't know what to do but wait around and feel bad to my core. What did I do in another life to make me suffer so much in this one? I am an ordinary child with a spectacularly awful sense of self and I cannot deal with life. I am running and changing and trying - man, I've been in three different colleges in four years and everything just feels exactly the same and I know the truth is in the fact that the only thing that is really wrong is me, and running cannot change that because alas, I am everywhere I go.