2010-09-01 / 12:42 a.m.

My dad and my boyfriend hang out like they're best friends and they send me photos of each other with teddy bears stuck to their foreheads and I know that they're laughing and that they think it's all great and that kind of makes me smile but I don't know. I don't know. I've been on the rag for something like three fucking months now because of this stupid pill they're making me take because of my headaches and I guess it beats passing out and stuff but that's kinda cool too in a weird way because you're all there and then you're just not and you're looking up because you're as down as down gets and everybody looks all worried and weirded out and all you can feel is trippy and confused but kind of content in the strangest way. I've started praying too you know because it beats crying but sometimes I do both at the same time and I'm not sure that God or whoever really appreciates it but I don't know. Like I said, I don't know. I'm having dreams where I'm being abandoned again and it hurts like holy fuck to wake up and to still feel it but sometimes then I have dreams about nicer things too. Not nice things, just not bad. Like a few weeks ago, I had a dream that Maria came back from the dead and I didn't understand all too much but she was happy and told me that she'd gotten a day pass out of heaven and then her husband was there too only he was like four feet tall. I never met the man, he died like ten or eleven or thirteen years ago and in my head he looked like this driving instructor that I had. I guess maybe that was because they'd be about the same age or something, but neither of them were all that short. Maria told me she'd leave a letter for me to tell me all about everything and that I could read it when I wake up so I'd know that it wasn't all a dream but she never did tell me where it was and I woke up and now we're all wondering if maybe there is some kind of letter hidden somewhere for me, or for somebody, for anybody, but we can't find anything. Not even her will, and I go and bribe her at her graveside with sunflowers that I've stolen from my garden but still it's no good. She's buried too deep. So I think about things and I cry and I pray and I'm still working a few hours every week but I'll have to give that up real soon because I got into college and that's kind of a nice idea but at the same time I'm shit fucking scared of leaving behind these four walls because I am a motherfucking hermit, don't ya know? I found a place to live with a lady and some other students and I think it'll be alright because this lady, she looks just like Maria's sister, the fun one, and she was drinking at two o' clock in the day when I signed my lease and to most people that sounds kind of dodgy but she text me later so I know she's not completely idiotic and she remembered me enough, and if all else fails, I got a receipt. I have just about a week off and I don't know what to do with it. I'm lonely as fuck and I don't like that the days have gotten all short again. It makes me feel trapped and confused and all alone and just blah, I don't know. It's not all that nice really. I need to get a grip.