2009-06-16 / 4:47 p.m.

Doctor number two takes me much more seriously. Talks to me and asks me questions. Listens to my heart, but it beats regularly, like it's supposed to. Checks my blood pressure but it's just right. Asks me about the pain and the numbness in my arm. Asks me if I'm worried or stressed about anything. Sends me to the nurse for a cardiograph and I sit there half naked while a machine prints off a graph on long white paper that looks like waves on a coastline. I walk back up two flights of stairs and he tells me that the results are normal. But I know he'll say that. I can feel when it beats irregularly, and it didn't all the time I was there. He takes my blood and out it pours. Royal blue blood. That's what they used to call it. The first doctor in years that's found a vein in my arm and hasn't hurt.

It's in the evening time that I find it's at its worst. When I'm sitting down and not thinking, or thinking too much and I'm doing what I do. My heart dances in my chest and I feel dizzy and lightheaded, like I'm full of love and my heart just doesn't know what to do.

Maybe I need to slow down. But I can't help it. I never do anything because I'm so caught up with thinking and reading, and when it comes to talking with my friends, I just don't know how to do it anymore.

I just don't get how we're all skin and bone and muscles and water and all of those tiny little things, how we're all physically and effectively one and the same, and yet we all have such a hard time connecting sometimes, like we might just be unique or different somehow. Only at the core of things, we never really can be. I have such a weakness with feeling like people are wrong, not like the things they say aren't somehow true, but that we move somewhat differently than somebody somewhere intended us to. That we were supposed to be one way, only somebody realised that it was possible to be another way, and all of a sudden, everybody just caught on to that. Do you ever feel that? I can't help thinking sometimes that people are so bad, just really bad, and it's a feeling that shakes me right down to my core. I think maybe we were intended to mess up every now and again just so that we can realise how important it is to be good in our lives, however we can be. I just have difficulty with that because it seems like being this person is doing me no good, yet it feels like the only thing that's right in this whole world. To just be me and to have my heart feel the weight of other people's problems, and to try to be pure while other people forget that life's not all about what most people are going to tell you is important.
I think I'll be at my happiest when I learn to live on love alone, and the one I love knows that the best things in life aren't things.