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2010-03-02 / 5:16 p.m.

I think I'm happier these days, although I couldn't be sure. I feel restless and uptight a lot of the time, but it's not as common for me to lie in bed at night, eyes glazed over and staring at the luminous stars on the ceiling, clutching the sheets beneath myself and waiting for it all to sweat itself out.
I have been working on a portfolio to get into college again. I don't have the utmost of confidence in it, but I've put the work in so I'm going to go ahead and submit it anyway to see what good might just come of it. I think that living at home has me just ruined in a way, I am at my most uptight when my mother is home. Today I wanted to print photographs but realised that my coloured ink was gone because somebody else had used it all after I had bought it, and I decided to not get upset or down over it, but to just go out and buy some more and thank my lucky stars that I am in such a position to be able to print photographs that I've shot on a DSLR camera using a top of the range printer and luxury paper.
I told my mother that I was heading out to fetch something, and she asked about it, so I told her why and she got very defensive and upset about the whole ordeal, and it struck me how much I can be like her sometimes. Not often, just sometimes. I rise to the bait a lot, and we fight more and more often, but usually afterwards I'm able to see how it was petty and stupid and neither and both of our faults at the same time.
I have little to no independence anymore and that pains me in its own way, but at the same time, it gives me a challenge to put myself forward for, and to hopefully excel at.
In September, all going well, I'll get enroll in college again, only this time I'll go far away if that's what it takes, and having already chosen and applied, that will be just the case. I am putting all of my money into this, and I've saved more than I've ever saved before. I think that getting away from my family and even my friends for a while will do me a lot of good because lord knows most of my relationships with most of the good people in my life are at a funny point because that's exactly the place I'm at in my life in general.
I miss my friends but I can't place the blame anywhere but on myself because it's me that pulls out just as much as anybody else. I have no idea how many times I've bailed on people in the past month at just the last minute. True, I'm always sick, never well, but what is also true is that that really doesn't bother me as much anymore.
I miss my brother more and more every day and that is not my fault, nor is it his. I truly despise his girlfriend, and I am sorry if that makes me weak, but I have tried and I have failed to love her as I wish I could. He sneaks out of the house at night when she's gone home to go play games with his friends because she doesn't allow it, only when we bring it up he laughs about it because he doesn't seem to really acknowledge that that is what things have really come to. She gave up eating meat and in turn he did too and she gave up drinking - so did he. She went on a certain diet, and a week later, so did he, and I know that he has a will of his own but we are similar in that regard. We don't want to hurt the ones we love, regardless of valid reasoning. Really, I hope he'll come back soon.
I'm still working a half day here and a half day there and it's still okay and it's still sometimes not okay but for the most part I don't mind it, or I even like it because I'm left alone and don't feel forced to talk to anybody or anything.
My life is very small at the moment, and I am becoming complacent I think, but I don't see that as such a bad thing for the moment because I am out for new things if situations go well, and if not, I'll figure all that out too.

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