You know, I keep having all these dreams that I'm letting people down and they say "You're letting me down", and I believe them. I bail on my friends because I can. I'm not really sure if I want to, or if I'm just too lazy or demotivated or careless. Instead of visiting my sick best friend, I had sex on a broken sofa and watched half of Scary Movie 2 and I didn't laugh, I just lay there with my hair all messed and my breath all slow and I had my phone on silent like I always do and I tried my best not to think about anybody else. Maybe I've gotten selfish. Maybe I always was. I'm putting something on hold so that something else doesn't happen, and I know that that makes me vague, but I'd be more specific if I could. I don't know what I'm doing. These dreams, they make everything awkward and sad. Working and being unable to do my job because I can't understand it and jumping into the sea and the sea being warm instead of much too cold like it usually is, and going into a shop to buy Lucozade and handing over a fiver and getting all my change back in one and two cent coins. The boy I love sleeping with all these other girls, and somehow I have a blue piece of paper to remind me who they are so that I can always make him feel guilty. And I'm sad, disgusted and hurt, but I'd take him back. You know once, in real life, he came into my house in the middle of the night and he was crying and scared and he told me that he loved me because he thought he had cancer but it turned out he had something much less serious but we both lay in that bed all that night and it was long and it was difficult and we cried together because that was just the thing to do. I think that's what I was always doing - the next best thing, and the next best thing - and now when it comes to doing things for myself, I'm shit fucking scared and I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.