2010-01-24 / 8:02 p.m.

I drove three hundred miles to park outside the hotel and to breathe that sigh of relief after a night and morning of feeling like something or everything was about to go wrong, after it didn't go wrong. Let down my guard and I crashed my car right across from a police station and it was totally all my fault. I pulled out in front of a car that was coming towards me and I didn't see it but I guess that that means that I didn't really look. I almost fell out of my car in shock and a middle aged man walked towards me totally calm and totally together and I picked up part of his wheel that I'd knocked off and got oil all over my face and hands. He smiled at me and gave me some baby wipes to clear off my skin and all I could do was keep saying sorry sorry sorry all over again. He had such a kind face and one of those accents that just can't be placed because it's a mix of a lot of places. I kept shaking and apologising and I gave him my details and I got his and he told me it'd be okay and to enjoy my weekend but I just felt like such a fuck up and it was so difficult to be far from home and to have let my guard down like that. I didn't do or say much of anything and I feel really bad about that now but I know that he understood, he didn't even look phased or in the least bit angry and I think that that almost makes it worse. I won't forget his kindness in a hurry.
We hadn't yet booked into the hotel because we'd only just arrived and all I could do was park my car and shake some more and everybody just stood around and stared and laughed and I just burst into tears and that's when I first got a hug but everybody was still laughing and joking about it and you know, I just felt so bad because my daddy bought me that damn car and he's trusted me with it ever since and it was just from the good of his heart that he did that for me.
My boyfriend asked me to not let it ruin my weekend and I tried not to but it was off to a bad start and I was still awake at five the next morning with a pain in my chest and a heavy head and it's how I've felt since, so I'm listening to Brett Dennen to try to do something to calm myself but all I want to do is crawl up inside myself and hope that the supposed love those people that laughed give me will grow and mature until eventually they realise that cruelty is not a part of caring.