First the floods and now the snow. I can't be sure if it's somebody's way of cleansing everything or it's another kind of punishment for something nobody ever really meant to do, but got carried away with and went ahead and did anyway. There are farmers pulling their dead sheep out from under the snow and the thought but sickens and saddens me. I can't help thinking about how truly terrifying it must be for a helpless animal to have to leave us like that. I guess they're only there to feed anyway, but I still can't help but feel so lost and insignificant when these things happen. I haven't left my house in the longest time. My car refuses to make its way up my road and I've had snow for such a while, I just don't feel like playing anymore. I have a sickness that keeps me awake at night, only it's not just one, it's all of the little one. And the sum is becoming greater than its parts, which is not always a good thing. A lady asked me lately if I'd lost all faith in my doctor and everybody laughed, including her, and I didn't really know what to say because I didn't see what was funny but I didn't want them to find me melodramatic or to hear me complain so I let it sit in my head for way too long and it's just made me sad sad sad. Everything's just making me so damn sad, don't you know? My mam tells me that she doesn't know where to go from here to get me some help, for some doctor to believe me. And that's it, she just leaves it there and I wish she'd just fucking fight for me because I'm all fought out and I've gotten nowhere at all. I can't get out of bed some days and I guess some people just think it's because I've gotten all sad and weird again, but that's not properly true because this pain came about and I felt okay otherwise, not great but okay and I was dealing with things and getting by. I just got beat down and beat back so often over the past six or seven months by the only people that can really help me and it's sort of quashed the hope and determination that I once had. I was knocked back once before and felt a bit let down by my doctors but that was partially my fault too. Now I can't stand to go, I just can't and it breaks my father's heart. I heard him say to my mother that if anything happens to me, he won't stop 'til there's some kind of justice and reckoning and it made me scared because when everybody else was brushing it off too, it made it easier to forget about it sometimes and it didn't make it feel like this was serious when other people helped me rationalise. I wasn't supposed to hear, but he's been worried all along.