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2011-01-30 / 11:52 p.m. There's always too much silence or none. I never told you about how my ears are messed up and how I used to always get abscesses in my ears when I was little and I remember being in school one day when one burst and all this pus crap was mashed into my hair but it made the pain go away better than banging my head and moaning rhythmically into my pillow at night. Multitudes of appointments and medications later and it turns out that my inner ears are all messed up and all this miniscule little bones are attached in all the wrong places and so I can't blow my nose because it hurts and sometimes things are much too quiet because I'm not hearing to my full potential. Sometimes I sneeze and it really hurts my ears for just a second and I hear everything so loudly, I swear I can feel my heart throbbing and my head pounding for those few seconds and I feel a little embarrassed about how loudly I find myself having spoken into somebody else's ear just moments before. The world gets so clean and static free for such a little amount of time and I don't feel so trapped inside my own head. I am soft, so so helplessly soft and it shapes me into a desperate, desperate loon. I am too nice and I am too angry all at the same time but nobody ever gets to know that last part because the niceness overrides most of everything. I find myself empathising and hurting over the most inanimate of objects - the last spray of perfume, the dripping of a tap, the littlest amount of milk left in the end of the carton that nobody'll ever drink because it's just not enough. In other news, fuck this. |