2010-08-17 / 10:10 p.m.

I'm so restless that I visit my grandmother when I think she'll probably be in bed, but she never is and she's getting old and still likes to watch the telly really loudly and talk about all the neighbours that I never really knew and ask funny questions and talk about bobbing for apples full of sixpence pieces and it sounds like a whole other universe and then I leave again and I'm still restless all over, restless to my core and it's only after ten and there are still too many hours left in the day. A friend and his woman broke up, broke apart, fell apart - I don't know - and I'm not out getting pissed with him with both of us crying on each other's shoulders because I never know what to say to him or how to be around him - I think maybe I'm too crazy for him - and because I'm too worried about a stupid fucking doctor's appointment where I beg for a stupid fucking letter so I can pay four hundred and twenty bucks for a stupid fucking scan that probably won't even show up whatever the fuck is hurting me so badly. I'm done not knowing.
I find out in a week - no, less - six days (I typed 'sick') whether or not I get into college so I can learn to take proper photographs for four whole years. Dublin for four whole years, what the fuck man, what the fuck, it's all happening again. Everybody tells me that I should think hard about what I'm doing because there's so much money involved and I'm too unwell but jesus motherfucking christ, I have to get out of this place. I have to learn and find things again. I want to make Chinese lanterns and release them into the depths of night into the Wicklow mountains and I want to set free all of those helium balloons I've been dreaming of, all those rubber ducks I've been stashing away but everybody's all nine to five and broken. I never saw it coming. They all grew up without me.